What I Wish I Would Have Said

A while ago I was on my regular commuter route. I got on the packed train and saw a compartment with one empty seat next to a guy. I went to sit down. The guy did not move to make room for me.

Now, there are some general unwritten commuter rules here in Switzerland. If you have your bag or jacket on the seat next to you, but you see a bunch of people boarding the train, you move your things to make room for someone else to sit. If you’re taking up more space - say sitting with your legs spread wide so as to be taking up some of the space from the seat next to you - you scootch over and make sure you stay within your seat boundary. 

Needless to say, when I sat down this man made zero effort to scoot over. He was quite obviously man-spreading into my seat area - very clearly taking up space across the little division line of the two seats. At first I was kind of like whatever. I sat down, and read my book. But after a few minutes I noticed how I was making myself smaller and smaller. I had started to retract to the side of the seat, trying to take up as little room as possible and trying to avoid touching the guy. Meanwhile, he had remained in his comfortable man spread… well, actually, he had spread out even more. 

That’s when my inner monologue started running at high speed. “Why am I making myself smaller? Why am I not taking up the space I am allowed to take up? Should I say something? If I say something on this quiet, early morning train, everyone will hear me and judge me for opening my mouth. I’ll be labeled the bitch, the complainer. But also, he’s clearly taking up my space. What do I do? I don’t want to move spots and give him the satisfaction of encroaching on other people’s space and getting away with it. What can I do here and now without being loud and obnoxious?”

I decided to perform a maneuver. I figured, if I go to grab my phone that’s in my back pocket, I’ll have to lean over and make quite a big movement for this small space. But - that will give me the opportunity to claim back some of the seat space that is “mine”. So, I did exactly that. I reached for my phone in my back pocket. While doing so I leaned ever so slightly into his personal space all while moving smack dab into the middle of my seat and sitting firmly with both legs on the ground. Not making myself small, but also not overtaking any space that isn’t mine to take. Since the guy was still manspreading away, this meant our legs were touching. Now, I had hoped that at this moment the guy would move his leg over and stop the spreading madness. But no. He just sat there, knowing fully well that our legs were now touching. Then my inner monologue started again “Is he not moving on purpose? Is he trying to prove a point that he can take up any space he wants? Is this some sick game for him? Does he enjoy this? Or is he so freaking ignorant that he’s not even computing what’s going on? What’s worse? Someone who is purposely trying to make me feel uncomfortable, or someone who is oblivious to what they are doing?” 

I got to my destination, exited the train, and was in a full rage. I was furious at the man, but I was also mad at myself. Why hadn’t I spoken up? Why didn’t I just say “hey, can you move over please”? Why did I have some weird block in my head keeping me from speaking up for myself? Why was I worried about what the other people on the train would think if I would have told this guy to scoot over? 

Ever since that experience on the train I’ve wondered about other people’s stories similar to mine. I’ve thought about what I wish I would have said. I’ve written down different scenarios that I wish I could go back to, so I can speak my mind and say what I actually wanted to say. I know this is a tiny, insignificant example. But I also know I’m not alone in this. I know there are plenty of women who wish they would have reacted differently, not worried about what other people thought, or simply had the guts to speak their mind. 

Now, with Cornell and Jane Doe’s story in the news, this idea takes on an even stronger meaning. What do all the Janes that have experienced sexual/domestic/physical/psychological assault/violence/harassment wish they would or could have said?

I can’t sit here and do nothing. I am enraged that we live in a world where we protect predators because we don’t want to ruin their future, but on the flip side we don’t think of the trauma the victims have gone through.

We don’t support victims.

Our society has grown numb.

It's as if we simply don’t care. 

My little train-man-spreading incident was annoying. But sadly enough that's not all we expereince. We live in a world where I’d bet every single woman knows at least one person who has been sexually assaulted or harassed (if not themselves). So, the big question is:

.

How is this ok?!? 

That’s why I want to create a space where people can speak their truth. Somewhere, where people can say what they wish they would have said. A place to get those words out. While it won’t rectify the situation in any way, it’s a place that can offer women a voice. And I know for me, if I can speak about something that is bothering me, it helps me heal. Every time I can let it out, express my anger, and process the situation, a tiny little piece of me heals. 

So, to all the women out there: here’s a link to a google form where you can share things you wish you would have said. Feel free to send the link to any woman who may be interested in sharing their story. For now, I’ll just be collecting input, but do envision turning the collected stories into an art project. Maybe a collage of responses. Maybe a website dedicated to every single response. Maybe an art exhibit. Who knows. And don’t worry- if you don’t want your story to ever be published in any way, it won’t. 

If this google form isn't a space that feels comfortable to you to share your experience, that’s totally ok. I do, however, want to encourage you to bring up these uncomfortable topics with your friends, family, colleagues, etc. It’s important we talk about the hard things. It’s the only way we can make change happen. 

And on that note, here are some resources I trust that support women and women’s issues: 

• lila.help: Global resource to find help and support when you’ve experienced harassment, rape, sexual abuse, physical or psychological violence.

• UN Women: shifting laws, institutions, social norms, and services to close the gender gap and build an equal world for all women and girls.

• International Women’s Day: a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. The day also marks a call to action for advancing gender equality.

• wave-network.org: a network of over 190 European women’s NGOs working towards prevention and protection of women and children from violence.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for sharing.

Annamarie